There I was, bottle of Febreze in hand, wearing tight jeans and 3-inch-heeled boots. (I’d decided to dress up, makeup and everything, with a plan of trying my hand at the casino. Needless to say that never happened.)
It was around 11am at this point, I still hadn’t had tea, the ice in the cooler had melted, our food was likely to spoil, I had no extra money for chow, and Ducky hadn’t done his homework.
I was at my breaking point.
A paramedic truck pulled up a few spaces over in the Safeway parking lot and I thought, “Great! If I get stung to death, they can revive me.” I had a vague idea that the DYJs might not like strong odors. After all, the incense had been such a success at chasing one away, all I needed was a strong smell, right? I hopped up on my step stool, (immediately realizing that I was not wearing the appropriate footwear for this venture,) and wobbled about aiming the ‘Gain Fresh Scent Fabric Refresher’ at the top of the door crevices while thinking, “This is a TERRIBLE idea.” (Please note: Procter & Gamble would likely appreciate me mentioning that at no point in time did they recommend this as an approve usage for their product.)
After the first few sprays, I noticed that yes, indeed the yellow jackets were reacting to the stuff, they clearly had an opinion on it and that opinion was “Hey, this stuff smells GREAT, bring it on!”
No, no, no, no, no, no, this was not part of the plan.
If I were religious I’d have been praying at this point.
Since I’m not I just got down to business.
The bugs that liked the perfume weren’t actually coming close to the spray, just around the air where I’d been aiming. So, I turned up the level to “douse” and really started to drown the top of the rig.
Now that garnered the reaction I was looking for. The DYJs were on the run! They were leaving! They were… Heading right for the one window that was somehow inadvertently left open!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
Much Rage, much Nope, much ‘eff it’.
Once again I threw open all the doors. This time with additional yelling! “This is my van, get out! GET OUT!” Ducky was wisely across the parking lot refilling the cooler at this point, which seemed to take much longer than normal. Go, him.
I lunged into the van like a Space Marine in Aliens. I used nearly A THIRD of the bottle of yellow jacket death.
Finally they were all out. The van smelled like a laundromat at the end-of-day but by golly, I had gotten them all. I was certain. Just in case, we drove away with all the windows down creating a wind-vortex in the back that was rather colorful considering all our scarves, bandanas, towels, and mexican blankets were whipping around like flags during a hurricane.
We arrived back and I felt so much relief! We walked down to the bathrooms, chatting happily about dead bugs, Pokemon, and redwood trees. Then I saw a woman getting out of her car. She was dancing. No, she was hopping. Wait she was… I knew those moves.
She was being chased and was essentially freaking out with style.
There were at least six of the little bastards after all.
Turns out they weren’t in the van at all. After talking with a local security guard, we discovered that the construction team up the hill had “riled some groups up fierce” and “we’re doing everything we can, call us if you’re stuck and we’ll send maintenance to shoo them away.”
Call someone for help. What a concept.
Woke up this morning and remembered that I had seen one of the DYJs sneak into my tea drawer during the deathmatch the day before. I slowly thought I’d forgotten to check in there. I realized this right about the time the buzzing I’d half registered made it quite apparent that the little bastard had made it back out and was right over my head.
“Ducky!” I hissed, “There’s one in the van!” Ducky didn’t even need to ask ‘one what,’ he merely rolled over, pulled the sleeping bag over his head and announced, “I’ll sleep ’till it leaves.”
I gathered up what I could, said goodbye forever to the boondocking site and pulled out at a nice fast clip. Goodbye and good riddance!
It’s important to note that the only casualties of this event were our doormat, trash stuff sack, and about 25 yellow jackets. The foremost two were abandoned during the “we are leaving moment!” and the latter all Murdered By Febreze.
Always keep some Febreze handy. Also remember to ask for help when needed. And don’t try to tackle yellow jackets with just Febreze unless you’ve had your tea first. You might come up with a better idea, after.