Day (23)

My anxiety is up to the ceiling today exacerbated by the fact that I am running a low-grade fever. It’s just enough that my heart pounds when I do any little task, but not strong enough to knock me flat on my back and keep me there. Staying down is frankly a better side effect if I’m going to lie down and rest.

I’m not good at being sick. My pattern is more to push myself to the brink and then collapse, making things far worse in the long run. I don’t really have that option right now, so I am trying to stay put. The wild rhythm in my chest helps. I just got up to make a cup of tea and it felt like I was running up a mountain. Decaf it is.

 My physical issues aside, I am also having a hell of a day for situational depression. Triggers for my emotional roller coaster include:

*My mechanic looking over… Something important.

*The soon to be former management becoming aggressive and using controlling language in their ever frequent emails.

*My son’s 5th grade science project is DUE and I’m not sure when I’m going to have time to help him with it.

*Our dog has a terrible rash and needs to go to the vet.

*There is an upcoming convention that I am on staff for, that I feel like a complete loser for only being able to contribute 1% of my rapidly declining mental resources for. (I know I’ll be fine once I’m onsite and I’ve been looking forward to this for MONTHS; it will be a goodbye of the best kind for us.)

*Our GoFundMe is only at half and I am not sure where else to go with it.

*It appears I only have 17 days instead of 22. (22 was bad enough.)

*My apartment still isn’t packed up to the point I wanted it to be by now.

*I haven’t been able to list my costumes, comics and trading cards for sale. I need to get the website up for our travels, as well as, instagram, YouTube etc., Twitter? Figure out if 4G is an option. Take kid’s phone away, get iPod touch instead. Final doctor/dental visits and checkups on both of us.

Things I have been able to do. Breath deeply. Pet the dog. Take a shower. Write this damn thing. Throw some trash away. Put one lid on one box. Mentally sort items. Remind myself I have family, friends and acquaintances who care. Remember that I still have 3 pairs of awesome fitting jeans, have found the perfect shade of auburn for my hair, and discovered an extra of my fave lipstick while cleaning out a purse. Doing good by drinking fluids taking care of me. Now I am going to go read a book… Dammit. They are all packed.

This is a day for Valium. (If I actually took the stuff.)

Upward and… Back to bed.

B.

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